Collar Of Grace
by K-Caedmon
Summary: Abby's shot, Chloe can't be found, How is Susan juggling it all? Read on and find out! Story complete, thanks to everyone who read and reviewed.
1. What's happening?

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Disclaimer: I don't own ER or it's characters. I assume no liability or insure your enjoyment of the story, although a girl can hope!

Some things you should know: Susan is married to Chuck, they have a son name Brendan. He's three, three and a half. Susan has custody of Susie, a story that will hopefully be told in the near future. For some reason I felt like writing this one first. Other than that it should be pretty self explanatory. I'm trying some different things with the format and flow of the story. Please read and review, it's the only way we get better.

Collar Of Grace

Chapter One: What's happening?

6:54 Pm

Silently she sat in the chair, absent from the reality that continued to unfold around her. The noise that surrounded her sounded muffled and incoherent. She had finally stopped crying, now she just slightly shivered, unable to completely regain her composure. She tried to fight the images that filled her mind. They were sitting at the table, eating sandwiches and laughing. Looking at dresses and clothes, necklaces. Abby suggesting the music store. "Susie will love it." She could hear her say. "Get her a cd player and two or three cd's." "How am I suppose to know what cd's?" "Get her a gift certificate with the player then. You can take her down here and she can pick out her own, she'll love it." "Maybe you're right." "I know I'm right, and besides if we don't leave now we'll be late for work."

Shutting her eyes Susan fought back the break down that was trying to fight it's way to the surface. Exhaling she pushed the urge to throw a chair or scream. Instead she placed her head in her hands, looking down she saw the blood that covered her shirt and jeans. It had been almost an hour and it still didn't seem real. How could this have happened? How could, in an instant, things change? How could things ever be the same? She knew they were walking a tight rope, fighting to see how deep the damage would run. It was a battle Susan could do nothing to help fight, forced to be a bystander, to watch it unfold. Again the urge to lash out surfaced. This time is was subdued with tears, until the only voice she wanted to hear finally echoed through her empty thoughts.

"Susan…" Chuck hastily stated as he entered the waiting room.

"Chuck." She replied as his voice brought her back to reality. In his arms she once again began to cry.

"Baby, it's okay. It's okay, you're okay. What happened?" He asked. For the past forty minutes he had tried desperately to make it to the hospital. The only information Susan had been able to coherently convey was that she was at the hospital and something horrible had happened.

"We were at the…at the music store. We had bought some things for Susie, for her…"

"Susan…" He quietly said as he held her tight. "It's okay, tell me what happened."

"We were at the ambulance bay and Chloe was waiting. We didn't see her."

"Is she okay?" His question only prompted Susan to stop speaking and hug his neck tighter. "You have to tell me what's happened." Chuck stated trying to understand what was going on.

"She shot Abby." Luka stated from the seat in the corner.

"What?"

"Outside the ER. Chloe shot Abby."

"Oh my God." Chuck replied, rubbing his wife's back.

Susan breathed deeply and once again strengthened her grip around Chuck.

"I'm so sorry Susan." He stated, it being the only thing that came to his mind.

Author's note: The title comes from a line in a song by Gavin Degraw.


	2. From The Outside

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Disclaimer: I don't own ER or its characters.

Chapter Two: From The Outside

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"What about this?" Susan asked as she held up a pair of Capri pants and a stripped shirt.

"I think we should just avoid clothes all together." Abby replied.

"What's wrong with this?"

"For you…nothing. For your soon to be thirteen year old niece, I'm willing to bet a lot."

"Okay, I have no idea what to get her."

"What were you into when you were thirteen?" Abby asked.

"I'm sure that my answer would be total different from hers."

"In general." Abby sarcastically replied.

"Okay smart-aleck…CLOTHES, boys, music…"

"Music! That's what you should get her."

"You think?"

"Yes. Does she have a portable cd player?"

"No."

"There you go. Susie will love it. Get her a cd player and two or three cd's."

"How am I suppose to know what cd's?" Susan asked as she held up the Capri's.

"Get her a gift certificate then." Abby said with a smile. "With the portable player. You can take her down here and she can pick out her own, she'll love it."

"Maybe you're right."

"I know I'm right." Abby replied as she took the clothes out of Susan's hands. "And besides if we don't leave now we'll be late for work."

"We have over an hour?"

"Yes, but I'm starving."

The room was cold and silent. Susan looked around to see Luka, Neela and Chuck asleep. Glancing at the clock she shut her eyes as she read 1:37 am.

She knew operations took several hours, but she also knew the relationship between extensive injuries and long operations. Seven hours had passed. Susan figured around six of them had been in surgery.

Sitting in the waiting room, essentially alone, she couldn't help but feel responsible. Responsible for Abby, for Chloe, for how Susie would have to deal with this. She remembers telling her that she wouldn't have to worry anymore, that she was there to take care of her. She and Abby had formed a bond too.

"Your up?" Neela asked from the row behind Susan

"Yeah." Susan replied, continuing to stare at the wall. "I must have dosed off."

"Only for an hour or two." Neela explained.

"Yeah."

"Susan." Neela stated in a different tone, causing Susan to turn and face her.

"This isn't your fault." Susan was amazed at how good she was at reading people.

"I know."

"Susan, this isn't your fault." She continued.

"Not directly." She replied.

"Not in anyway."

Susan remained silent.

"You know she's going to make it." Neela added.

"None of us know that."

"Yes we do."

With no response Neela sat back down. "Anyway, if you want to talk about…any of it."

"Talk about what?" Susan replied strongly. "The fact that my best friend is in surgery because my sister shot her because she's a drug addict and I took her daughter away?"

"Because you loved your niece enough to save her life, because you've tried to help your sister until you couldn't anymore, because you and Abby are more like sisters and would do whatever the other needed?" Neela countered, saying the other part of the story that Susan was neglecting.

Susan once again didn't respond. "Abby is going to get through this, you and your family are going to get through this, we're all going to make sure that we do."

"Yeah." Susan replied, still thinking.

"We got you some scrubs to change into." Neela said as she pointed to the chair next to Susan.

Picking them up Susan stood. "Any news?"

"No."

Susan didn't respond. Instead, she silently headed towards the bathroom.

Looking in the mirror Susan couldn't help but see the evenings events written on her face, the puffy eyes, the messy makeup, and pulled back hair. She sighed as she thought about Abby lying on the table. Battling a fight that was meant for her.

__

"I think I'm going to have the turkey club." Abby told the waitress.

"I'll take the California burger."

"I'll bring your order right out."

"Thank you." Susan stated as she smiled at the young waitress.

"I didn't think we were going to get it done." Abby joked.

"Me either." Susan confessed.

"How is she?"

"Doing better, the nightmares have stopped. Chloe stopped calling."

"It's got to be hard." Abby added.

"Susie understands, as much as she can."

"She knows you and Chuck love her."

"She knows Abby will take her out and let her have as much sugar as she likes." Susan stated.

"Come on, I'm the fun one." Abby defended.

" You do know that makes me the mean one."

"You're the parent, you're suppose to be mean." Abby said in a witty tone.

"Sure." Susan rebutted as she sipped her ice tea.

"Since you're not going to ask…I guess I'll have to bring it up."

"What?"

"My date."

"That's right, with…what's his name?"

"Keith."

"So how was it?"

"You could have told me he was a dork."

"I don't know him."

"It was horrible, a disaster from beginning to end. And then he asked for my number."

"What did you do?" Susan asked curiously.

"I lied, and a very bad lie at that. I can't believe I'm that bad at thinking on my feet."

"You're an ER doctor, it doesn't get more quick on your feet."

"Totally different." Abby defended.

Neela knocked on the door "Susan."

"I'm almost done, I'll be right out." Susan replied as she stopped leaning on the counter and began to undress.

"Dr. Corday is waiting for you. She's out of surgery."


	3. Tragic Flaws and Memories

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Disclaimer: I don't own ER, the characters or anything else.

Chapter Three: Tragic Flaws and Memories

"Okay." Susan said, using every ounce of her resolve to say it with composure. Neela didn't reply, and Susan knew she had returned to the waiting room. _This is real now. _She thought. _How could my screwed up family have done this? _Splashing some water on her face she inhaled and then let it out. "Okay." She said to her reflection.

Walking down the hall she could see the small crowd gathered around Elizabeth. The smell of the hospital had never been so nauseating, the impersonal feeling never so cruel. They spent their lives their, their hard work and dedication filled every part of the building, and it felt so empty and uncomforting. She continued to get closer and the words that Elizabeth were saying were becoming clear and understandable.

"Susan." Elizabeth said as she placed her hand on her shoulder. "I'll start over."

"No it's okay, just continue." The less details she heard at this point the better.

"There was a complication with the repairs we tried to make."

"That's why the surgery was so long?" Neela asked.

"Yes, she lost a lot of blood. We had to give her two transfusions. We were able to repair the damage to her liver, we had to remove one of her kidneys."

"What about…"

"The other bullet missed her aorta and there weren't any complications in repairing her heart and lungs." Elizabeth fell silent for a moment as she breathed deeply. "You all know…" This was the part she hadn't wanted to say.

"Because of the blood loss and complications there is no way to tell…"

"Yes." Elizabeth confirmed before the sentence could be completed. "It's going to be up to Abby when she wakes up. There's nothing we can say or do now."

No one knew what to do now, where to go, what to say, how to handle it. Not many were there the last time they had to sit and wait for the fate of a friend. "Thank you." Susan said to Elizabeth.

"I'm going to stay." Elizabeth added.

"You should go home to Ella." Susan replied as she squeezed her hand.

"I've already called her sitter, she's going to stay the night."

"When can we see her?" Luka asked.

"She'll be in recovery for four to five hours. We'll move her to a private room in ICU after that. One visitor at time."

"I've got to get downstairs." Luka said.

"You're on?" Neela asked.

"No, Abby is."

"I can stay too." Neela added. "The more help the better." She said with a small smile, hoping to lighten the mood a tiny bit.

"Yeah." Luka added as he made eye contact with Susan and Elizabeth. "Chuck." He said as he shook his hand. "Page me if anything changes." He added in Elizabeth's direction.

"Everyone will get pages." Elizabeth added.

"Susan." Chuck said. " We should go home, we need to talk to Susie."

"I know. Elizabeth…"

"I know."

"If anything…"

"You'll be the first."

"Thanks." She added again.

Susan sat quietly in the passenger side of the car as Chuck continued down the familiar path to their home. Shutting her eyes she couldn't push any of the thoughts out of her head. Exhaling she couldn't quiet them as they shouted loudly.

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"Chloe, there isn't anything you can say to me."

"All I want is my daughter." She yelled, causing the people at the next table to stop causing.

"That's not possible." Susan said abruptly. "You've run out of chances. The courts have terminated your parental rights. You have no legal right to ever talk to YOUR daughter again. Chuck and I are going to give her a home, we are going to give her a chance. Give her one and let her go."

"Susan…" Chloe said emotionally with tears running down her face. "I'm clean."

"It's not enough. You haven't changed in over fifteen years…I can't keep bailing you out. I can't keep picking up the pieces."

"She isn't your daughter." She said angrily.

"No, but Brendan is my son, and I can't bear the thought of him having to go through half of what YOUR daughter has. And I blame myself everyday for allowing it to go on this long."

"Sus…"

"No, Chloe, I really want you to listen. You've moved her from town to town. You've left her in crack houses, on the street, and God knows where else. You lost her in New York where she was held captive in a mentally disturbed man's apartment. You're clean for a month and then you disappear. Joe is gone, there is no one. Susie lives with me. I love her, I'm going to give her everything in life she deserves. Stop calling, it upsets her." She said, by this time her tone and volume reflected her loss of patience. "I really do hope you get help."

"Susan."

"Goodbye Chloe." She said as she left twenty dollars on the table and walked out of the restaurant.

"What?" Susan asked as she popped open her eyes and looked at Chuck.

"We're home." He replied softly. "How are we going to do this?" He asked.

"I don't know. I don't think I can tell her."

"We have to. We have to be honest. No one's ever been truly honest with her. We have to."

"I know." Susan said softly as a new wave of tears fell from her face. Unbuckling he reached over to hug her.

"We're going to get through this."

"I did this." She said with as she exhaled.

"No, don't think for a moment you did. Do you hear me Susan? Don't blame yourself for this."

"Chuck, you don't know what I said to her. I told her to leave us alone. I told my sister that I didn't care what happened to her, that her daughter wasn't hers any more. I took whatever hope she had."

"Chloe has a problem. For whatever reason that problem is more important than anything else in her life. You did what was best for Susie, and don't think for a moment that it wasn't the right thing to do. You did it out of love and you sacrificed your own feelings and yourself to do it. This is not your fault, and that is what we have to tell Susie. This is not her fault."

"I know." She said exasperatedly. "God, do you have to be right all the time." She said with a small chuckle as she wiped the tears from her eyes.

"It's my tragic flaw." He said as he opened his door and headed over to her side of the car. "I'm right here with you, we can do this."

"I love you Chuck."


	4. What About Blue?

Disclaimer: I don't own ER.  
  
Chapter Four: What about Blue?

"Aunt Susan, what's wrong?" Susie asked as Susan sat down on the couch next to her. She should have been in bed, and she would have been, except for the fact that she knew something was wrong. It was obvious when Chuck had called Lauren, their sitter, the tone in his voice had made it clear to Susie that something was wrong. She was attune to these types of things, she had been there for far too many phone calls.

"Susie, I have to tell you…what happened today." She had found resolve from somewhere, somewhere she didn't know existed. She refused to break down in front of her niece, she could protect her from that. The knowledge that her mother had shot Abby, the knowledge that Abby's fate was still uncertain, those things were unavoidable. But Susan could show her resolve, love, and under all circumstances that none of this was her fault.

"How come you're home from work?" Susie asked, fishing for information.

"Something happened on the way to work." Susan said softly as she picked up Susie's hands and placed them in her own. "Abby and I were walking into the hospital, we were in the ambulance bay and…"

It had taken about an hour for Susie to ask her questions, and for Susan to bravely answered them. They had cried together, and Susan had held her. She whispered in her ear that this wasn't her fault. That her mother was sick. She couldn't imagine what was really going on in Susie's head.

Susie was asleep now, and her head was lying in Susan's lap as she gently ran her fingers through her light brown hair. Chuck had gone upstairs to check on Brendan, and take a shower. Sitting on the couch, once again she was alone.

__

"This is going to be your room." Susan said with a smile.

Susie looked around at the room with white walls, and the queen size bed. "This is for me?"

"Yep, I figure this weekend we could pick out some paint and decorate."

"What about blue?" She asked with a smile.

"Sounds like a plan." Susan agreed as she hugged her niece and kissed the top of her head.

"Susie, I want you to know that I love you, and that you're safe now. You're safe here."

"I know I am." Susie replied with a tone marked by both happiness and sadness. "What's going to happen to my mom…if I'm not there?"

"I don't know." Susan answered. "I hope she gets some help, but do you understand why you can't see your mom?"

"Yes."

"Just know that if you want to talk about anything, we can."

"Thanks Aunt Susan, for everything."

"I love you so much."

"Susan." Chuck whispered as he nudged her.

"Yeah!" She jerked as she woke up. "What's happening?"

"Nothing. It's six, in the morning." He explained.

"Oh," she sighed, "I need to get to the hospital. What about the kids?"

"I can't get out of work today. So Mrs. Taylor is going to come over."

"Thank you so much."

"Hey, my tragic flaw remember?" He said as he leaned down to kiss her. "You need to brush."

"Oh, shut up." She said as she got up. "Where's Susie?"

"She's up in her room."

"How did she seem?"

"How do you think? She's quiet, a little withdrawn. I think she was crying."

"Should I go talk to her?" Susan asked, hoping Chuck would have some insight into the right thing to do.

"Just give her a little time, besides there isn't anything new to tell her."

"Good point. I can't believe this is real." She said with a hint of disbelief that she still clung to.

"I know, but you should know more today, with Abby and Chloe."

"Chloe, I haven't even thought about her."

"When the police find her, we're all going to have to."

"God, that is going to make it even harder."

"I know." He said with an empathetic smile. "I'm sorry to just cut out like this, but I have to leave."

"Yeah go, be careful. I don't think I can handle anything else."

"You've got it." He said as he kissed her forehead. "Mrs. Taylor should be here anytime."

"I'm in the shower now."

The walk up the stairs and to her bedroom took an ounce of energy too much. She had had less than four hours of sleep and they had been sitting up on the couch. She had spent the past day in the hospital and she was half an hour from being there again.

The sound of the water hitting the tub as it flowed out made Susan want to get in and stay there forever. Slipping of the scrubs she noticed the dried blood on her abdomen and legs. Lightly running her fingers over the red a new wave of nausea ran through her body. She couldn't stop from gagging as images of Abby lying on the pavement ran through her mind, the images of life slowly slipping out of her.

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"Help!" Susan yelled. "Somebody help!" She yelled again as she began breathing for Abby.

"Son of a bitch." She said quietly, forcing herself to move in opposition to the images. Adjusting the water she moved the shower curtain and slipped in. She scrubbed for what seemed like an eternity, but couldn't feel clean. Even after the blood was gone. She couldn't tell if it was guilt, shame or simple pain. She couldn't get clean, she needed to get to the hospital.


	5. Hold My Hand

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Disclaimer: I don't own ER or its characters.

Chapter Five: Hold My Hand

The sound of sirens continued to get louder as Susan made her way through the ambulance bay. You always hear the saying life goes on, but you never realize how true it is until you want it to stop. It should have stopped, accidents should have stopped happening, people should have stopped getting sick or hurting each other. Abby was lying in a hospital bed, and the rest of Chicago kept on as if she wasn't.

They we're doctors, and Susan knew that life went on. She had seen people's worlds fall apart. She had seen life as it was known cease, and then she turned a corner or left the room. The rest of reality was carrying on as if what happened in that room and to that family hadn't. Life should have stopped, it should have halted on a dime, but she could hear the buzz of the ER now. She knew life didn't stop for any one.

Looking through the glass of triage she could see the people waiting for health care. Moving towards admit she could hear Kerry before she could see her. "Jerry, why…"

"I called Dr. Weaver, they said their backed up and we'll have to wait." Jerry explained trying to divert her anger from his direction.

"Well call them back. We're short staffed as it is and they're just going to have to pull a little extra weight."

"Yes Ma'am." He replied in a tone that showed he knew better than to do anything less than agree with her one hundred and ten percent.

With out being notice Susan slid past Kerry and Jerry who's attentions were already focused on something else. It was all she could do to make it to the stairs with out being noticed. She was sure they didn't want her to work today, but they were short a doctor. Susan knew she couldn't handle Kerry's spiel at that moment.

"Susan…" She heard an exasperated voice yell from the stairs she had already traversed.

She turned to see Luka catching up to her. "Luka, you're still here?"

"Yeah, Abby was on until six, and…" He stopped, he didn't want to even give the slightest hint that Susan was needed downstairs.

"Neela stayed until three or so, she'll be back soon and then I'll go home for a bit." He explained in an attempt to show that they were handling it. Susan nodded, she recognized and appreciated the gesture.

"How did it go with Susie?" He asked, not knowing if she needed or wanted to talk to someone.

"It was horrible. I can't imagine how it broke her heart. How do you tell her that? I…" She could feel the emotions beginning to surface, and fought the urge to fall apart yet again. "She's the strongest girl I've ever seen. She shouldn't have to be."

Luka reached for her arm and lightly squeezed it. "She's strong because of you." He added. He didn't want to ask. The last thing she needed was someone prying into the specifics of the situation.

As if she knew what he wanted to ask, or that she simply needed to tell someone the details, she continued. "The police still haven't found Chloe. They're making the rounds of Crack houses, and there is an undercover unit at the house. Attempted murder, that's what she is facing."

"They'll find her." Luka added, as much as it hurt he knew that Susan wanted her to get caught. It was the best chance she had at beating her addiction.

"We'll see." Susan said honestly, at this point she had no ability to read Chloe. "I called John." She said changing the subject.

"Yeah?"

"He's on his way."

Luka smiled lightly. John Carter had an unbreakable connection with Abby. Everyone who knew them knew it. It had changed and hit its share of rough spots, but it was unbreakable. "I'm sure he'll be here as soon as he can. What about her brother?"

"I tried all the numbers she had at her apartment, no one knows him. I know she hadn't talked to him in months. I guess he's off his meds again. She should have her family here, he should be here. As much as she has done for him."

"Her family is here." Luka stated with a warm smile. It didn't matter, blood relations, Susan and Luka along with the others were her family. They were each other's family.

"I'm going to head up there." She said with a mixture of emotions and thoughts. "Page me if you guys get slammed okay?"

"Sure."

Standing outside the door she tried to muster the heart to open it. Visitors still weren't allowed but Susan was a doctor, and this was a special case. Shutting her eyes she took a deep breathe and tried to prepare herself as she pushed open the door.

The tears came instantly as she stepped in. The emotions and reaction were stronger than she had expected as she saw Abby lying in the bed with IV's and monitors, ventilators, and machines. Somehow without seeing her there was an abstract quality to the situation. It disappeared when she stepped into the room.

With out a thought Susan pulled the chair to Abby's bedside and gently placed her hands above and below Abby's.

"I'm so sorry." She cried, allowing the tears and words to flow freely. "Abby, you have to wake up, you have to pull through. I'm so sorry." She couldn't help but feel this was her fault. She would bare the responsibility. "God Abby, it should be me. That bullet was meant for me. Why the hell did you step in front of me?"

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"Is Weaver on today?" Susan asked as they made their way through the ambulance bay.

"I think she's off now."

"I don't think I can handle her, ever since we butted heads last month she been such a little bi…."

"Where's Susie?" Chloe screamed. Taking Abby and Susan off guard.

"Chloe…" Susan almost yelled. "What are you doing here?" The anger in her voice apparent.

"Susan she isn't your daughter. She never was."

Susan and Abby both knew she was high, and the uncertainty it brought to the situation.

"Chloe you're high. I won't talk to you like this."

"No, you are going to talk to me, and you're going to do it right now." She said with an authority that scared them. "Now where is my daughter."

"I'm not going to tell you anything, and you should leave." Susan said with an authority to match Chloe and with a seriousness that Abby hadn't seen in quite a while.

__

"Where is she?" She yelled with all her energy as she brought her hand from her coat pocket.

"Chloe…" Susan said as she saw the gun. "You don't want to do this, this isn't you it's the drugs."

"You took her from me, and I'm going to get her back." She said with an irrationality that permeated through every word. "I'm going to get my daughter."

It was an instance, as Susan watched Chloe Abby never took her eye off the gun. In the moment Chloe stopped speaking Abby watched her finger begin to tighten.

"Susan." Abby said as she began to push her out of the way. It was an instance. Chloe crossed the line and fired.

She had stopped speaking as the memories flooded her mind. She had never known a burden like this, and she knew that whatever happened would rest firmly on her shoulders. The thoughts of the bullet that was meant for her, and the image of Abby jumping in front of her and shoving her flashed through her mind.

__

"Abby." She said in shock. "Oh my God." She yelled as tasted the blood in her mouth and looked down to see it everywhere.. There wasn't any pain in her body, it was Abby. "Talk to me Abby!" She screamed almost hysterically as she gently tried to push Abby from on top of her.

Rolling her over, seeing the bullet wounds, how could this be happening? No pulse. She isn't breathing. One, two , three, four, five, Susan gave her mouth to mouth. One, Two, "Some one help me!" She screamed as loud as she could, breathing once again for Abby. One, "Help!", four, some one had to have heard, breathe.

It took the better part of two minutes before someone realized there was a crisis outside. "Hurry up." Susan yelled as she saw them coming. "It's Abby."

"We're doing everything we can." Susan said quietly to Abby. "Susie's okay. She took it pretty hard, I think she thinks it's her fault." Susan added. "I don't know how to tell her it isn't." Her voice was cracking again as she lost control of her emotions. "I don't know what to say to her, how to make it better."

It made her sick to think of what Susie must feel responsible for. She wasn't. She hadn't done one thing to deserve any of this. How were they going to get through this? Susan knew it was hard enough dealing with the moment, but they would have to start with more long term thinking.

For now she wouldn't think about it. The police were doing what they could, the doctors were doing all they could, and now Susan would do all she could.

"God, Abby. I don't know what I would have done if…" That thought was worst than the others, but Susan knew nothing that none of the things that would come to her mind would be pleasant. Instead of finishing any of the thoughts she quietly whispered to Abby that she was here and she wasn't leaving. That she loved her, and she was a sister not a friend. That she would be here until she woke up, and that she would do anything she had too. She poured her heart out about how she felt and how much Abby meant to her, how much was on the line. The responsibility and shame she felt for what her family had done, for what her sister had done. She vowed to make it right, although she had no idea how. This mess, it was her fault and she knew that it was out of her hands. But she would find a way to fix it.

Still holding her hand she leaned back in her chair and sighed. Shutting her eyes she tried to drift into unconsciousness, to push away all the things she knew weren't going away.

****

Author's note: Sorry about the incredible delay, school is kicking my butt this semester and unfortunately my scholarships don't rely on successful fan fictions. It's crazy where a story can take you. This one has become about Susan and her personal struggle through this. I find it very challenging, so hang in there if I have trouble with the pace and finding interesting ways to get inside her head. More to come soon.


	6. Responsibilities And Blame

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Disclaimer: I don't own ER or its characters.

Chapter Six: Responsibilities and Blame

"No, you don't understand." Susan said adamantly as she squeezed the phone tighter in her hand. "I need to speak with Mrs. Timtly, it's a very important matter I assure you." The fact that the conversation wasn't going well by any standard only fueled her failing patience. "This is Doctor Lewis with Cooke County General Hospital in Chicago. I really need to speak with Mrs. Timtly. No I cannot tell you what I need to speak to her about. I don't care whose boss you are. He hung up on me. That son of a bitc…"

"Susan, go home." Kerry said as she took the phone out of her hand. "You've barely been home, and when you are there I know you aren't resting."

"Kerry, I don't need this lecture." Susan snapped.

"Listen to me Susan…"

"Kerry I know." She snapped again as she slammed the chart onto the counter. "Can I go tell my patient she has cancer, then I'll go home."

"Sure Susan." Kerry said softening her tone.

"Thank you." Susan replied and walked away. She immediately regretted going postal on the man on the phone, and she regretted being so horrible to Kerry. Even though they hardly ever saw eye to eye she knew the past five days had been hard on everyone. All the doctors were stressed, hell they were covering for two doctors not just Abby. That's why she had ignored everyone when they told her they had her shifts covered. People are putting in the extra effort Kerry had said. We don't want you to worry about it. Just be with your family, and Susan knew this included Abby but she somehow couldn't help but feel like she had to be at work. As a result the past two days had been spent in the ER, Abby's room, and hours with the children so they didn't get worried. She had created a never ending cycle of places to be and responsibilities to fill. There were twenty four hours a day and nineteen of them were dedicated to something.

Pushing open the door to exam three she smiled warmly at the woman sitting on the bed. "Julie, I've got your test results."

"It's bad isn't it? I knew it was bad." She immediately responded.

Susan pulled over a stool and sat in front of the woman. "Your test revealed an abnormal white blood cell count." Susan paused as her patient stared intently into her eyes. She had no idea what Susan was about to tell her, and Susan knew it. "What this means is that your body is trying to fight off a disease."

"Are you saying…"

"I'm sorry Julie but you have leukemia."

"Leukemia." She repeated in astonishment, "I came in because I was having pain in my stomach."

"Remember that bicycle accident you told me about? Well, because of the cancer and your body trying to fight it you had some internal bleeding from the accident. That's where the pain was coming from."

"You're serious, I have cancer."

"I tried to get a hold of your sister, but I couldn't get through. Is there anyone else I can call? Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"Can I call my mom?" She asked as the shock began to wear into fear.

"Yes we can do that." Susan helped her out of the bed and moved a chair close to the phone. "Just dial 878 and then the number. Oncology is going to be coming to talk to you about the specifics of the disease and treatment options. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No, I'll just call my mom."

"Okay." Susan replied as she squeezed the woman's shoulders and left the room. She would go home now, Kerry would cover her patients and eventually they would all be admitted or discharged. It was a cycle, their existence in the ER was a cycle. Treat 'em and street 'em, that's there motto. The humanity gets lost in it. The humanity of it all gets lost.

"Susan." Sam yelled jerking her out of her contemplations and back into reality. "Two GSW's rolling in."

"I'm coming." Susan yelled as she followed the nurse out into the ambulance bay. So much for going home, she thought as she began to listen to the paramedics.

……….

As she walked into her home she dropped her purse and keys and headed for the sound of Brendan and Susie. "Hey guys." She said with a smile that used all the strength in her body. Brendan ran and gave her a hug and a kiss, followed by Susie. It was all Susan could do to keep from crying right there. "What are you guys doing?" She asked.

"We're playing Mario Karts." Brendan explained with his imperfect r's.

"And who's winning?"

"Me." He yelled again, causing Susan to smile and wink at Susie.

"Well, I don't want to keep you from a victory." She explained. "I'm going to head up stairs." She said as she kissed them both on the forehead and began to make her way to the stairs.

"Aunt Susan…" Susie said as she followed her aunt into the hallway.

"Yes baby?"

"Any change?"

"No, Abby's brainwaves are fine but she still hasn't woken up."

"And?"

"They still haven't found your mom." She added. "Come here." She said as she pulled her close and hugged her. "This is all going to be okay." She promised.

Susie sighed and squeezed her aunt back. "I love you."

"I love you too." She said as she kissed her again. "Thank you for letting Brendan win."

"No problem." She said with a smile.

"Don't let him win by too much." She said with a wink as Susie smiled and went back into the play room.

"Chuck?" Susan lightly yelled as she made her way up the stairs and towards their bedroom.

"I'm in here." He replied.

Without another word she made her way to him and hugged him. Without a question he hugged her back and didn't hesitate to continue. Standing there in the middle of Brendan's room with toys scattered across the floor they hugged. Each squeezing tightly. One to let go of all that was on her and the other to take it and carry it for a while.

"Chuck." She said without a word to follow it.

"I know. How about a bath?"

"Yeah." She agreed as she allowed the comfort and safety of home wash over her. God, how could it all be so much? She thought. For every step to fixing it there was three more knocking them back. Every step, by the book, and still Chloe wouldn't stick with it. Maybe she couldn't. Look at where it had gotten everyone. When all parties were asked, who's fault was it? Who had driven them all apart, taken away the hope of future?

"Susan…" Chuck said as he emerged from the bathroom. "It's ready."

"Thanks." She said as she made her way, kissing him on the cheek.

"I'm here if you need me." He said with a look of familiarity before he moved to the pile of laundry sitting on the end of the bed.

"I need you." He heard a moment later from the bathroom.

Walking back into the bathroom he found her already in the bathtub, crying. "I'm just….I can't…I." Reaching for her hand he lightly smiled as she motioned for what had become quiet moments of peacefulness in the never ending saga of child raising drama.

They adjusted to where they could both fit comfortably. Susan leaned back onto her husband and shut her eyes. "It's going to be okay." He reassured her.

"There was a woman today, Julie, I had to tell her she had leukemia. She won't live for another two years. She had no idea, she had stomach pains. I had to tell her it was over. I…"

"What did oncology say?"

"Kerry kicked me out before they got there." She said with hints of the emotions fighting to come out.

"She kicked you out?"

"I snapped on the phone with some guy who worked at this company."

"Baby…"

"I know it isn't like me, but I can't. I can't keep doing this. Chuck, we have to breakthrough somewhere. Chloe is out there, who knows if she's even alive. She thinks I took her daughter away from her. She's my big sister, and I can't help her. I can't do a damn thing for her."

"You know that they're doing everything they can to find her."

"And when they do she'll go to prison." She added wiping a tear. "I will have sent my sister to prison."

"No." Chuck said with a mixture of reassurance and firmness. "Chloe will have sent herself to prison. And as for whatever she thinks and says about you , you fought for her. Susan, you flew to New York. You moved to Phoenix. You did everything you could do to save her life. If she can't see your love, if she can't appreciate your love…That's not your fault. I know this is hard, it's hard on us all, but this isn't your fault and you can't let yourself feel that way."

The silence that filled the small bathroom was quietly interrupted with Susan's breathing. "Do you want me to sit here and go on about all the wonderful things you do for us all? Because we can do that. I can alphabetize the list if you need me to."

"No." She said with a smile. "I just need to be here with you. I feel like I haven't been here."

"You haven't." He said with a squeeze. "You've been holding all of this on yourself for the last week."

"Chuck."

"I don't mean it like that. I just mean that I'm sorry that you've been holding this all in. Chloe, Abby, Susie, it's too much. I shouldn't let you carry it all."

"I just feel like it's mine to carry. Chloe is my sister. Susie is my responsibility. Abby, she was shot for me."

"Susan I love you, but I think we really need to work on your listening skills. Because I have been trying to tell you that none of this is your fault. Baby, I really want you to hear me." He said as he kissed the side of her head. "Chloe is a drug addict, and has been handed more chances than most. Abby was shot by a person under the influence of God knows what. That wasn't your fault, you didn't do anything that could have warranted that or prevented it."

"She pushed me. She saw that Chloe was going to shoot me, and she stepped in the way. The bullet was meant for me."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to face it, what ever happens to Abby was meant to happen to me. I didn't want to face the fact that what happens to Abby rests on my shoulders. It's me Chuck, this is because of me."

"I know you feel this way, but this is Chloe's fault and whatever happens rests on her shoulders. You can't walk around with this blame and responsibility."

"I don't know how not to." She said quietly. "I don't know, how do I let it go?"

"I don't know." Chuck replied, squeezing her closer.

"Can we just stay here, for a little longer?" She asked with a tremble in her voice.

"Anything you want." He added with a weakness in his own voice to match the emotional state of his wife.

"I just want it to be okay."


	7. Everything Tastes Like Chicken

****

Disclaimer: I don't own ER nor its characters.

Chapter Seven: Everything Tastes Like Chicken

Where could he be? He thought to himself. The bathroom. Almost in a sprint the doctor quickly made his way to the men's room. No, not there. Making his way back to admit his mind raced as to where he could be, he wasn't a flight risk, he was sure of it. Not Sam, he said in his mind, anyone but her. "Um, has anyone seen Mr. Taylor?" He asked in a mixture of dread and embarrassment.

"Mr. Taylor as in your patient?" She said with smile she was showing ever so lightly.

"Yes." Luka said in defeat.

"Oh, well in that case, is that him looking for his umbrella down the hall." She pointed with all the sarcasm she could muster. "Dr. you should really keep an eye on your patients." Her smile breaking into its full size.

"uh huh." He replied as he started down the hall, noticing the slight pat Sam used to send him on his way.

"Luka, you still losing patients?" A familiar voice yelled.

"John!" Luka exclaimed, once again abandoning the pursuit of his patient.

"Some things never change around here." Carter managed to joke before Luka had him in a hug.

"When did you get back?"

"Right now." Pointing at his bags. After he said it Luka noticed how tired and worn he looked.

"I want to hear about everything, but…"

"Yeah, you should probably go find him."

"Right." He said as he once again went after Mr. Taylor.

"It's good to have you back." Sam said warmly.

"Yeah," he replied a little more seriously than with Luka, "has anything changed?"

"No." Sam replied simply, placing her hand on his shoulder. "Room 735."

"Thanks." He said picking his bags, "I'll see you later." Kissing her on the cheek he made his way through the halls he knew like the back of his hand towards the elevator.

__

"The Sudan, huh?" Abby said with a slight smile, denoting the mixture of emotions traveling through her body as they stood in the middle of the crowded airport.

"They need doctors." He replied almost jokingly with a grin he used to try to put her at ease.

"And that means you." She joked back, no sense in making it harder than it was. "Be careful." She touched his face.

"I'll be back."

"Uh huh." She made a face.

"Come on. Don't make me feel guilty the whole plane ride." He mockingly begged.

"Okay, good bye's are never my best so you better go get in line."

"Come here." He said as he pulled her close and hugged her. "Bye Abby."

"Bye John." She replied as she slowly backed away from his body.

"You know I love you." He said with a smile.

"So we're getting in touch with our feelings?" She asked.

"Just in case something happens."

"Not funny."

"I'll see you soon." He said in response.

"I love you too."

Standing outside the door it all suddenly seemed real. The horrible scenes he had seen in so many places somehow failed in comparison to this. Opening the door he immediately saw Susan lift her head from where it was resting on her arms.

"John." She said as she stood to meet him.

"Hey." He replied, taken by the strength in her embrace. "How are you?"

"Yeah, those kind of questions don't have short answers anymore."

"How about Abby?" He asked as he gazed around the room. The flowers, cards, and pictures showing how much she meant to everyone decorated almost the entire room. The monitors and IV's crowding around her limp body. It was enough to level him right there, how could this be happening?

"It's still the same. Her brain function is normal, there's no medical reason she hasn't woken up yet."

"There weren't any complications from the gunshot?"

"No, it was touch and go for a while but she's out of the woods."

"Except that she hasn't woken up." He replied as he moved to her bedside and placed his hand on her forehead. "Susan…"

"I'm just going to go get some coffee and call home."

"Thanks." He said as she quietly left the room.

She couldn't imagine the lengths he had gone to in order to secure such a speedy return. But she knew he would, and without hesitation. The mystery of how our lives are interconnected and intertwined had never been so evident to her. And yet it somehow also alluded her. What could make us risk our lives for one another? What could make us fly around the world or give up our own comfort to be there when there was nothing we could possibly do? There wasn't one logical answer she could think of, and yet she knew there was nothing more solid and obvious. It was undeniable, human connections, like a law or principle. You didn't know how gravity worked, but you knew it was real. She didn't know why or how these connections existed, but if nothing else John Carter and Abigail Lockhart were living testimonies to the fact that they did.

"Hi, I was just calling to check on the kids." She said as the babysitter picked up the phone. "Good. That's fine." She replied to the question. "Thanks so much, no you don't have to interrupt them. Just tell them I said I love them and I'll see them tonight. Thanks, bye." Homework and games, to go back to when life was that simple. Susan couldn't even remember life without kids. That's how fast and how much it'll change on you, she thought, you can't even remember what it used to be like.

"How's that coffee?" John asked as he emerged from Abby's room.

"Hospital coffee." She said with a slight smile.

"You want to grab an early dinner?" He asked.

"Yeah." She replied, noticing but not acknowledging the redness under his eyes. "You just got back into to town, where do you want to go?"

"I don't know. How about that diner around the corner?"

"Sounds like a plan." Susan replied.

The restaurant was crowded for five, but they still had been seated right away. The walls were covered with photographs that spanned back decades. Carter smiled to himself as he looked at the lives that had been connected and spent in this diner. "Did you order for us?" Susan asked after returning from the bathroom.

"Yeah." He replied as he brought his smile from the wall to her. "She said it shouldn't be too long."

"Good." She said with a sigh.

"How are you?" He asked. He had only been given the broad strokes of the situation through the few phone calls he was able to make on his impromptu journey home.

"We're back to that complicated question."

"Haven't you heard? My whole life is a complication." He joked in an attempt to get her to open up.

"Well, I'm about as well as you could expect. They still haven't found Chloe, I have no idea what Susie is really thinking, and then there's Abby."

"I can't believe all this happened." He admitted.

"Me either, I couldn't ever have thought Chloe would have done this because of…" Her voice trailed off and she took a sip of her water.

"You know…" John said shakily, unsure of how to proceed with the conversation he was sure they needed to have. "When I was stabbed, there was a lot of things that made it…No one had seen him, one of those crazy days when the attending is so swamped that the minor cases don't get as a close a look as they should. And I had been horrible to Lucy, we fought, all the time anyway, but I was just mean to her. I told her to handle it, she told me he was mentally unstable and I brushed her off. Abby was a med student back then and well when Lucy was stabbed, I mean actually being stabbed…" He paused, but Susan didn't say a word instead she let the silence bring comfort and resolve for him to finish what he had to say. "…When it was actually taking place I was…I was on the roof with Abby." He stopped there, in his mind he had said enough to make his point.

"John," Susan reached her hand across the table, "You had no way of know that was happening. There wasn't anything you could have done."

Even at that moment, in his heart, he still wanted to argue that he should have done something. Time and experience had taught him differently, but his heart couldn't let that responsibility go. "I know." He said in contradiction, "The same goes for you, this isn't your fault."

"When did you get so good at this?" She asked with a smile, trying to deflect the conversation.

"There's no way you could have known that Chloe would have taken it that far, and there's no way you could have know she would be hiding in the ambulance bay that night."

"John there's…"

"No Susan, it's not your fault just like it isn't my fault that Lucy died."

"How do you make yourself stop feeling it then?"

"You can't." He said honestly as he squeezed her hand. "You can listen to people tell you, you can tell yourself, but deep inside I still feel responsible. I don't know if it ever goes away."

The distance between the two had never been so little. They had been close, once, during their attempt at a relationship. But this was deeper, a bond forged by pain and regret that they could never had done anything about.

"This sucks." She sarcastically replied, once again lightening the mood.

"Yeah it does, you deal with it and slowly in a way get over it."

"But no matter how much you tell yourself,"

"It never really goes away." He finished.

"Way to help me out and cheer me up." She laughed as she let go of his hand and took another sip of her water.

"You know in the beginning I was trying to cheer you up, but that did take a rather negative turn." He chuckled himself. "I just wanted you to know that even though you know it isn't your fault I understand how you feel that way."

"Thanks." She said with a smile.

"Here is your salad." The waitress politely interrupted, setting the plates in front of the two.

The even progressed with light conversation about Brendan and Susie, the Sudan and Carter's experiences, Abby and all the things he had missed in the past eight months. The moments of silence and pauses were filled with thoughts that neither wanted to verbalize, the things that would make the evening once again take a downward turn into the realms of fault and pain. All Susan could think was how much she needed this to all work out, and John's mind ran towards how he couldn't deal with another loss, another problem that spiraled in to the worst case category. There had been too much of it in all their lives and it had to be their turn for some sort of a happy ending.

"How's your chicken?" He asked.

"Okay, it's chicken."

"After being overseas for so long you can't imagine how good this chicken tastes to me."

"This is your first meal back isn't it?"

"Yeah, and let me tell you…" BEEP BEEP BEEP Susan's pager sang out. Her first instinct was to be embarrassed she had forgotten to put it on vibrate, and then she realized it was her pager going off and the only pages she would be getting would be important.

"John." She said as she reached for the cell phone. Her hands shook as she dialed the number and anxiously awaited for the rings to stop and a voice to pick up.

"Detective Brooks." A deep voice answered as he picked up the phone. Susan grabbed John's arm again as he leaned in anticipation.

"This is Dr. Lewis, you paged me." She calmly answered.

"Dr. Lewis, we have your sister in custody. She's being held at the station, and we're waiting to book her so you can come and see her."

"Where'd you find her?" Susan asked.

"A local hot spot for those so inclined." He replied, dancing around the words crack house.

"Thank you detective I'm on my way there right now."

"I'll see you then." He said politely as he hung up the phone.

"Oh my God, they found Chloe." She said rather loudly to Carter. He didn't know how to reply. "I have to get to the station, I have to call Chuck, I have to go right now."

"I'll take you ." he offered, not wanting her to ride alone.

"Thanks." She said as they stood up and he left some money on the table.

"Dinners on me." He smiled. "Come on."


	8. What Kind Of Sister Are You?

Disclaimer: I don't own ER, or its characters

Chapter Eight: What Kind Of Sister Are You?

Sitting on the uncomfortable wooden bench Susan shifted her weight. Her view of the precinct led her to believe that they all must be the same. The smell, the sound of the police radio echoing the goings of cops, the sound of angry men and women in handcuffs, yes it was alarming similar to the station in New York. Shutting her eyes she tried to push the nausea that followed the memories of those days. Almost afraid to open her eyes for fear of seeing Officer Boscorelli come around the corner with that look on his face.

"They need you to identify a little girl." He said emotionally as he stared into her eyes. "She's at the morgue."

The memories were almost worse than actually living through it, even knowing the outcome didn't take away that feeling.

"Dr. Lewis." A voice kindly stated. Susan opened her eyes to see a man in his mid-thirties wearing a middle class suit and holding a manila folder. "I'm detective Brooks."

"Nice to meet you." She said with a calmness that surprised the both of them. "I'm not sure how all of this works." She admitted with a face that gave her true emotions away.

"We have your sister in an interrogation room. There are two ways we can do this, your safety is absolutely the same in both scenarios. I can go into the room with you if you like, or you can go in alone and I will be right next door watching through the mirror. I can be in there with you within two second if I need to be." He explained.

"I want to go in alone." She said with certainty, although she immediately doubted her choice.

"Okay then, follow me. Your sister will be handcuffed, so we can leave the door unlocked so you can leave if you feel like you need to." He continued as they walked down the hallway.

The blank and expressionless cream walls gave Susan a chill up her spine as she closely followed Detective Brooks. Without an idea what she would say, feel, or do once she was face to face with Chloe only furthered her uneasiness. She knew this moment would eventually have to happen, she just now realized there was no way to prepare for it.

"Here we are." Brooks said with a hint of compassion and understanding that was sealed with a small smile.

"Thank you." She replied.

"I can hear everything you say, if you want me to come in or you want out just say so and leave."

She smiled. "Okay then." He said as he headed to the door that was two feet away from the one Susan was standing in front of.

As he disappeared into the room Susan stood outside the door and tried to muster whatever it would take to do this. God how she wanted Chuck, he was on his way but she knew he wouldn't be here in time. At that moment she began to rethink telling John that she was fine and thanks for riding with her. It wasn't his place to be here, this wasn't his problem to deal with. It was hers. She hated this. Inhaling deeply she wrapped her trembling hand around the doorknob and slowly turned.

Her first impression of Chloe was how worn she looked. Surviving on the street was apparently not her second nature, despite what they all would assume. Looking at her face in that instant before words or thoughts could intervene Susan's heart broke. This was the sister she had grown up with, she had told her about life and boys. This was her role model for so many years. This was Chloe.

"Susan." Chloe said with a mixture of surprise and comfort.

"Chloe." Susan replied in a tone that said she wasn't ready to give anything. "What the hell were you thinking?" She said forcefully.

"Susan I just wanted…" Chloe stammered.

"You shot Abby. She is lying in a hospital bed unconscious because of a bullet that you meant for me, and you're just sitting there like you always are, the damn victim." She yelled.

"I just wanted my daughter." Chloe yelled back. "Susie is all I have and you took her away Susan. I just…I just wanted her back. I didn't want to shoot you." She emotionally tried to explain.

"That was a hell of a way to get her back. Why wouldn't you just stick with a program and get off the drugs? It's a disease Chloe, why couldn't you just let me help you?"

"I am not sick." Chloe snapped back. "How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not sick."

"So you just shot Abby because you were pissed?" She quipped.

Dropping her head into her hands Chloe didn't reply. Susan could hear her breathing, but was at a loss as to where to pick the conversation, if you could call it that, back up.

"Susan." She said slowly and almost at a whisper.

"Talk to me Chloe." Susan said in a moment of compassion as she looked at her older sister, broken.

"This wasn't my fault." She said as she picked her head up. "I just…I needed to see Susie, and so I went there to the hospital. I swear it isn't my fault." her voice cracked and dripped with her emotions. "I can't go to prison, I can't do it."

"Chloe," Susan said softly, torn by the situation, "you're going to prison."

"Sus, you can testify for me. Tell them that it wasn't my fault." She continued.

"I'm going to be testifying against you." Susan said without emotion as she looked Chloe in the eye.

"What?" Chloe yelled. "You're sending me to prison so you can have Susie. You've wanted her since she was born, and that's how you're going to get her! You just want me out of the way. How could you do this to me?" She said angrily as she lunged, trying to stand, only to be jerked back down by the handcuffs. Susan raised her hand to signal that everything was fine.

"Chloe, you have a disease and the only way you can have a chance at beating it is prison. And as for Susie," Susan could feel herself loosing her control and beginning to open up all that she had been holding inside, "you lost Susie along time ago. You chose to loose her to every crack house and corner you've been on. I've bailed you out for years, and I did it because I love you and I HATE to see what you're doing to yourself, but I can't help you anymore. I'm going to help Susie. I'm going to give her a life and love and safety. I'm going to give her what you chose not to. And as for me betraying you by sending you to prison, damn it Chloe look around. You've been setting yourself up for this for years, and I hate that the way you finally self destructed had to tear apart so many lives. My best friend who is more like a sister to me at this point is lying unconscious in a room and I can't do a thing about it. Your daughter is at my house trying to deal with the emotional mess you've left her with. And me, I'm trying to hold it all together, and all I can think is how the hell did we all end up this way? What happened to you? Look at what we're in. This isn't how it's suppose to be." She finally took breath and let her words fade into silence.

Susan just stared at Chloe. Neither had anything to say after Susan finally laid it out. "Chloe." She said softly, "I…" She moved her gaze down with a look of surprise, picking up her pager that she had placed on vibrate she read the number she knew to be the hospitals. Waving her arms in the air Detective Brooks was in the room within two seconds as he had promised.

"I need your cell phone." She said hastily as she reached for it and began to dial numbers.

"Susan." Chloe said with a tone that bordered on brokenness.

"Yes, this is Doctor Lewis." Susan stood and walked over to the wall as she listened to the voice on the other end. "When? Page Doctor Kovac and Doctor Carter. Yes, I'll be there soon." She hung up and met Chloe's gaze.

"Is everything okay Dr. Lewis?" The detective asked.

"Uh…" She managed to verbalize as she sat there shocked. "Abby woke up." She said. "I…I…I have to go. I have to get there. I have to see her." She said, statement after statement without a break.

"I can drive you." The detective offered, seeing as how she was in now shape to navigate a vehicle herself.

"Susan? You can't leave, I need you here. I can't do this alone."

"God, Chloe." She said, suddenly realizing where she was. "I'm sorry I can't stay. I have to go to the hospital."

"You're going to leave your own sister?" Chloe demanded, her voice once again raising.

"I'm sorry." Susan stood up.

"Get the hell out." Chloe yelled.

"I'm sorry." Susan apologized again, only furthering Chloe's rage.

"What the hell kind of sister are you?"

Susan stopped and turned back around to face her sister as her words slapped her in the face. "What the hell kind of sister am I? God, Chloe I've done everything to try to help you, and I'm through."

"Susan wait." Chloe yelled, this time with a tone of remorse. Susan was already out the door and walking with the detective towards his car.

"Larry," He yelled, "Can you take care of the suspect in three."

"Sure thing."

Author's note: I think this just might be my favorite chapter yet. Not that you needed to know that, but I like to offer useless information.


	9. Hope and Barbeque

Disclaimer: I don't own ER nor its characters.

Chapter Nine: Hope and Barbeque

Sitting on the bench alone Susan found herself dreading what was about to take place. The weeks had slowly gone by and the date had been circled on the calendar for months. After today this matter would be done with, and they could all begin to move on with life, to put it back together and heal. Susie need it, and no one knew how much Susan wanted it. The uncertainty of it all had faded that day in the hospital room and had turned instead to the reality of the road to recovery. Abby's physical recovery, and all of their emotional recovery. It was only time that would show them how deep the wounds ran, and that day Susan realized it all.

"How is she?" Susan asked hastily as she picked up her pace when she saw John.

"She's awake, a little groggy from the drugs, and she seems to be fine. They're going to take her to CT soon." He said comfortingly as he watched the array of emotions dance on Susan's face in response to every word he said.

"Can I…"

"Yeah, go on in." He said with a reaffirming squeeze to her shoulder. He couldn't imagine what was running through her head, or the emotions running through her heart. The blame and responsibility that rested firmly on his shoulders gave him an understanding of the hell Susan was living through. He smiled lightly knowing the relief she must feel with news of Abby's consciousness, a blessing he himself had been denied.

The door seemed infinitely heavier and Susan mustered all she had to overcome the fear that had gripped her in the instant before opening it. Would she hate me? Blame me? Would there be nothing but contempt, anger, and resentment in her eyes when I walk in? Susan knew that no matter what was waiting on the other side of that door she had to face it. This was the moment she had been praying for, and now that it was here she was terrified. The fact that Abby was awake was enough for Susan, and she had somehow missed the fear of what Abby would think until this moment. The uncertainty that still remained almost made Susan sick and she knew if she didn't open the door now she would loose the courage to face Abby.

The slow movement of the door brought Neela's eyes off of Abby. Turning her head weakly Abby watched as Susan humbly opened the door and walked in. It was all Susan could manage to make eye contact with Abby, and at that moment the tears came instantly.

"Thank God you're okay." Susan managed to verbalize as she instinctively moved to the bedside of her friend. Reaching for her hand Abby unsuccessfully held back the tears that were spurred on by Susan's.

"Are you kidding me?" Abby said with all the smile she could muster. "There's no way you guys could get rid of me."

Susan smiled, and Neela took the moment to make her exit. Pulling up the chair Susan sat and held Abby's hands. She had no idea what to say to her, and it was all she could do to not start crying again.

"Hey." Abby said bringing Susan's gaze to her own. "It's okay." She said. " I'm okay."

"I'm so sorry Abby." Susan replied, "I'm sorry I got you into this and I'm sorry my sister did this to you, and I shouldn't have let it happen."

Watching her Abby was amazed by the blame and responsibility Susan held for herself. Listening to the words she knew the pain and guilt that had consumed her and she couldn't believe she had been holding it in. "Susan, this wasn't your fault." She interrupted.

"It was my sister who was pissed at me, and it was a bullet meant for me. The bullet you took was meant for me, Abby. It was suppose to be me."

"But it wasn't, and that wasn't in your control, Chloe wasn't in your control."

Susan sighed, and Abby knew she was hearing but not listening. Probably the very same thing she had been doing to every single person who had been telling her the exact same thing.

"Susan," her tone changing, "I'm going to say this one time." Abby took a deep breath and fought the pain that was creeping through her body. "That bullet was meant for you, but I stepped in front of it. You're a mother, a wife, and so many people depend on and love you. I love you, and I couldn't let that happen. If you were shot it wouldn't be just you affected."

"Abby." The tears once again falling.

"It was out of your control Susan. Chloe, me, the gun, it was all out of your control. I don't want you to feel like this your fault. It isn't."

"Look at me! You're the one who's just regained consciousness and I'm the one being comforted here." Susan laughed as the tears still fell.

"There's that wit and sarcasm I love." Abby said with a small smile. "Susan, you know I'd do anything for you."

"Obviously." She said with a wider smile now.

"You got over that really quickly." Abby softly joked.

"Not really." Susan continued smiling as she wiped the last of her tears. There was a relief and peace now, knowing Abby was going to be fine and knowing that they were okay.

"Good to hear because it looks like I'll need someone to cover my shifts for a while." Abby lightly joked, and the air in the room eased a bit.

"We can go in now." A lawyer said to Susan.

"Yeah." Susan stood, and shook off the memory as they began to make their way into the courtroom. It was just as she had remembered it, cold, impersonal, and completely terrifying. The only time she had ever been in a courtroom was the numerous incidents that included Chloe. The pain of this fact was deep and Susan couldn't help but feel a whirl of shame run through her. Shame not for herself, or the actions she had taken for Susie but a shame for not being able to help Chloe. They all needed something, but somehow Chloe had never gotten hers.

It was done now, and Susan knew it. Chloe wouldn't forgive her for this, and when she gets out of prison Susan knows she won't try to contact them. It hurt herself to know she had so completely burned the bridge that connected her to Chloe, but she knew it had to be done. It had to be done for Susie, for their family, and deep down where Susan tried to deny it, she knew it had to be done for herself as well. She couldn't live her life like this anymore, it was the hardest realization she had ever had to make. It was time to let go of your sister. She was the only blood relative, besides Susie and her Children, left. With the death of their father a few years back it was just the two of them that remained. God, this hurts was the underlying sentence the ran under what ever thought was occupying Susan.

"Hey." Abby said warmly as she slowly moved to sit next to Susan.

"What are you doing here?" Susan asked with a hint of surprise in her voice as Abby settled into the hard wooden pew.

"Come on, where else would I be?" She asked. "I can't imagine how hard this is, and I'm here, you know moral support and all."

"Thanks." Susan said simply.

"Where's Chuck?"

"He should be here by now." Susan replied with a slight hint of anxiousness.

"I don't think I can do this." Susan said honestly as the two of them stood in the hallway with the lawyers, defendants, and witnesses from other matters bustling around them.

"I know." Chuck replied with the understanding and compassion she was looking for. "I'm here for you."

"Tell me I have to do this." She asked.

"Susan, you can ask anyone and they'll tell you there isn't anyone who can make you do this. But I'll tell you that you can, and when you do it'll be for Susie, for Abby, for Chloe, and for you."

"I just want this to be over."

"It will be." He said reassuringly as they hugged.

The room was silent as she uncomfortably made her way to the witness stand. The courtroom was relatively empty, and without looking at Chloe she could feel her eyes on her. The strongest hesitation in her mind told her that she was betraying her sister. That this isn't what family does, and then the image of Abby falling to the ground and Chloe's hand holding the gun took its place.

Without giving the questions time to settle the words poured out.

"We were on our way to work…"

"I heard a loud pop and I was pushed to the ground…"

"It was only then I realized the blood wasn't mine…"

"She was gone, as quickly as she had appeared, she was gone…"

"I had fought her for custody because she could no longer take care of Susie…"

"I saw the pain and hurt that she had already endured at the age of ten and I had to stop it. What kind of aunt would I be if I didn't?"

"She had been abducted from the front of the crack house my sister was at…"

"I just want Chloe to get help, and this is all that is left. She almost killed someone, and I … There's no way to know what she'll do. She needs help, and I need to do… I need to help her."

"Yes, she shot Abby…"

"I'm so proud of you." Chuck said as they stood against the wall in the hallway they had been waiting in.

"It's over." She quietly cried in his arms. "It's done." There was nothing more she could do or say, she had said what she needed to and testified against her sister. It was out of her hands and they could let go.

"I know." He said as he continued to hold her. "Soon it'll all be over and we can all move on." He said comfortingly.

"Thank you." She said as she wiped the tears from her eyes.

"Hey, come on, you know I'd do anything for you."

"Top Gun." She said with a smile.

"Yes, I'll even watch Top Gun with you." He smiled.

Without an invitation or sign he leaned in and gently kissed her before they began to make their way through the busy hallway. "All I'm saying is I think we're going to need to get a new copy of it because this one is getting worn out."

"I thought guys we're suppose to like that movie?"

"I think we're bordering on obsession at this point, and I thought girls we're suppose to like Sleepless In Seattle and Steel Magnolias?"

"You didn't marry just any girl."

"That I didn't, I'm so proud of you Susan. You stood up for your sister, your niece, and us all today. That's something."

"I hope so."

"How are you feeling?" Susan asked in an attempt to fill the void before the court was called to session.

"Better, still a little stiff and sore, but the rehab is working."

"Good." Susan replied.

Before Susan and Abby could continue their conversation the lawyers and Chloe entered the room. Susan sighed as Chloe sat down and didn't make as much as a moment of eye contact. She had known Chloe would hate her, but deep inside there was hope that perhaps she wouldn't. That hoped died right next to the faded prayer that she would kick the drugs. Soon the bailiff and Judge entered the room and a wave of nausea hit Susan as they stood. The rhetoric and procedures for the reading of a verdict rolled by flawlessly and it was all Susan could do to remain calm.

Reaching over Abby grabbed Susan hand and gently squeezed. They were there, both of them for each other. With out Susan's presence Abby knew she couldn't stand there, and at that moment Susan knew with out Abby this situation would be too much.

This moment stood tall in the recollection of tribulation that had come from this situation with Chloe, and situations past, but Susan couldn't stop recalling the other moments that stood next to it.

"Susie, we need to talk." Susan said as she moved next to Susie on the couch.

"They found her." She replied. Susan thought it was from the years of impossible situations and badness, but Susie could read these conversations before they started.

"They picked her up today. She's okay, and she's being held in the county jail."

"Have you seen her?" She asked, her emotions baring themselves as Susan took her hand.

"I saw her today."

"Is…Is…She…?" Not knowing how to proceed.

"She's pretty upset, at me." Clarifying between herself and Susie. "Do you know what's going to happen in the next few weeks?"

"They're going to try her, and put her in jail."

It hurt Susan to say these words and think of the pain it was causing her niece, but the time for lies and glossing over the facts was over and they all had to face this. "She's going to have to face charges of attempted murder, and if they find her guilty then yes, she'll go to prison."

"She's guilty." Susie broke down in her aunt's arms.

"I'm so sorry." Was all she could say as Susan held her niece, it wasn't her apology to make, but she was here and if she could have undone it, she would have given anything.

The only words harder than the ones she was about to here were "Guilty as charged." She had known it was coming, but the actual words had hit harder than she had expected. Bracing herself with a hand planted firmly on the edge of the bench she waited again for the words that would be so defining and full of emotion.

One, then two seconds went by and she couldn't react. They had said what she had known was coming and she couldn't even react to it. Ten to twenty years, this is what the lawyers had said the sentence would be. She could hear their voices, "the judge will hand down ten to twenty, she'll serve no less than ten before she gets a chance at parole.

The next thing that registered with Susan was Chloe being escorted out of the court room. The tears in her eyes and the pleading look that pierced Susan. The tears that fell were for Chloe, and the hell she would now find herself in. Her thoughts argued that somewhere, there must have been something more she could have done. Now her sister was imprisoned. Exhaling she pushed the thoughts out of her mind and simply allowed the emotion to roll over her.

The courtroom was empty except for Susan and Abby. Without a word they sat next to each other. Susan, trying to deal with this new found reality, and Abby sitting in support. There wasn't anything to say and nothing to be done, there was just reality.

"Susan." Chuck said out of breath. "I'm so sorry I'm late." He sat down next to her.

"It's okay, it's all over and it was just what they said it would be." She lowly replied as the tears continued to fall.

Abby squeezed her shoulder and smiled at Chuck before she stood to make her silent exit.

Susan and Chuck sat there, his arm around her and her head on his shoulder, in the brief lull of the courtroom.

"Lets go home." Susan broke the silence that had filled them for several minutes. People were once again filling the courtroom and the judicial process was about to be once again in action.

"Okay." He supportively agreed and grabbed her hand.

……….

Standing at admit Susan signed her last her chart and sighed out of relief.

"Heading home?" Luka asked.

"Yes, I've got Barbeque and children waiting on me."

"Sounds like a perfect evening." He smiled.

"That it is, what time are you off?"

"An hour." He checked his watch.

"You and Sam should bring Alex over."

"You don't have to wait."

"I forgot to mention I'd be cooking the food." She smiled sarcastically.

"Okay, I'll call Sam. It sounds good."

"Good, see you then." She smiled and headed for the lounge.

"Abigail Lockhart." She said loudly as she swung her stethoscope at her.

"Someone's in a good mood." She joked. "Hot date?"

"Barbeque."

"Ah."

"Yeah, it's pretty quiet out there." She motioned to the ER.

"It won't stay that way, Friday nights are never slow."

"It's a fact."

"Have a good night, one should at least." Abby said as she wrapped her stethoscope around her neck and shut her locker.

"Are we still shopping on Sunday?"

"Are you kidding me?"

"Okay, stupid question."

"Tell everybody I said hi."

"I will." Susan replied as she placed her purse across her body and winked at Abby.

The air outside was crisp and Susan couldn't help but breath it in deeply. Walking down the street to her car there was a sense of hope that somehow fought its way to the surface. The setting sun and a busy street lent itself to such a moment. Susan knew it was one of those quiet, defining moments that stay with you until you die. The hardships that we go through are the very things that bind us together and strengthen us. She was certain she had read that somewhere, but until now the true relevance and truthfulness of it had eluded her. There were moments when she knew they had overcome something so large and difficult that it was a miracle. The hurt still ran deep, and the recovery was far from over, but the hope that was almost tangible was exactly what Susan grasped and chose to hold onto. The hope of tomorrow and the hope that the ones she loved gave her were enough. Something had been there to get them through, almost as if they had been in the collar of grace. Call it what you will, be it love, grace, or any other adjective, Susan knew it had gotten them through, and this clear evening when she left the ER to embrace what they had fought so hard to keep she knew that they were lucky and that she would cherish it because it was worth cherishing.

Author's note: There it is, finally finished! It took me long enough, and I do apologize. Finals are done, and I could finally devote the time to wrapping this thing up. Hope you enjoyed it, and I couldn't resist or escape the semi to fully cheesy ending, but lets face it Susan could use a little of it at this point. Okay, my almost incoherent ramblings I'll bring to a close now. Hopefully a new fic will be in the works soon. Thanks for reading and to those of you who reviewed, I swear it makes the world go round. Take care, and until next time this is K-Caedmon signing out.


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